Without reserve

Dear God,
This is Kelley.

When You ask for us to follow You, You don't mean that lightly. You move in when invited and shine a light on every corner of our souls. You want to free us from anything that binds us, anything that holds us down, anything that keeps us from trusting in You and loving You and others without reserve.

Uh oh.

I thought I had opened that last door to You two years ago when I had to un-capsize our canoe in the water with the alligator. I trusted You and dove in; You didn't make it easy; I yelled at You; You made it possible and helped me to turn that water-laden canoe over in mid air while standing on two knobs of cypress trees. We'd "had it out" I thought, moving You in to that last sore spot of mine, created by decades of abuse and sealed over when I realized that my parents didn't love me, couldn't love me because of their own woundedness.

It's still there, Lord? I guess those spots don't heal in a momentary wash of realization. They just get treated with some good medicine and begin to heal.

So what do I do now, Lord? Do I try to continue healing it?

I know I can fast. Fasting scares me. Oh, I can go without food, but I can't go without coffee. That gives me comfort, helps me feel "big," "in control," "okay." I guess it's an addiction, because I use it to cover me, to make me feel "grown up," just like I used to use that cigarette. But You should be the source of my comfort, my reason to feel "big," "okay," maybe not "in control," but "grown up." It's the feeling like a kid, vulnerable, scared to death, overwhelmed that I'm terrified of.

Seems like I still have a lot of work to do to heal me. Seems like You have a lot of work to do to heal me! Keep moving, Lord; I'll give me to You. Keep teaching me and showing me how. Show all of us. May we see and accept the total, rushing, warming, immense Love that is You ... and let go, without reserve.

Amen.